The notes, the whole notes, and nothing but the notes ... so help me Larry King:

You can always tell when it’s Sweeps Week. On the next episode of Celebrity Fear Factor: Mike Tyson submits to professional therapy. Of course, Don King gets 40% of the shrink’s cut ... Speaking of needing help: $54.95 for the Tyson-Lennox Lewis fight on pay-per-view? Forget it. Allen Iverson-Larry Brown is much better drama -- and it’s free-per-view ... According to Philly-based Mitchell & Ness Nostalgia Co., which is riding a wave of black ink these days because of its popular NBA retro jerseys, the five most popular vintage unis are: Julius Erving, Magic Johnson, Wilt Chamberlain, Jerry West and Larry Bird. Tom Boerwinkle was a surprising No. 6 on the list ... First we get an L.A. Law movie. Then a Laverne & Shirley reunion show (like I really needed to hear Squiggy again?). Then CBS trots out Mary Tyler Moore and the cast for a retrospect. What’s next? Baywatch -- The Implant Years? If you really want something that will draw viewers, try a Barbara Walters-Tyson-Robin Givens reunion ...

It’s never too early to pop off about your preseason favorites. Barring arrests, defections, NCAA probation, injuries, etc., here’s the short list: College Football -- 1) Oklahoma (almost dropped to No. 2 because of annoying Boomer Sooner tune), 2) Florida State (quality schedule, quality team, especially on the offensive line), 3) Texas (time for Mack Brown to dispel reputation as Best Midweek Coach in the Business), 4) Tennessee (lose three star defensive linemen to NFL Draft, gain three SEC investigators), 5) Miami (In Ken Dorsey they Trust.); College Hoops -- 1) Arizona (next season’s Maryland), 2) Kansas (Can we put a moratorium on those, "Roy, can you talk about not winning a national championship" questions?), 3) Duke (Boffo recruiting class and Mike Krzyzewski), 4) Oklahoma (almost dropped to No. 5 because of annoying Boomer Sooner tune), 5) Pittsburgh (starting lineup returns) ...

Chicago Cubs manager Don Baylor needs a hug. After Sunday’s loss to crummy Milwaukee, which dropped the Cubs to 6-14 at Wrigley Field, Baylor ripped away. "I’m up to here with it," he said. And later, "It sounds like a broken record every day. I’m getting tired of it talking. I want some action. You can talk all you want. You need something to happen on the diamond, not just going three up and three down." So much for the pep talk. The next night the Cubs were held to four hits and dropped to 10 games under .500 with a 3-0 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals. Afterward, losing pitcher Kerry Wood dropped a verbal cherry bomb on his teammates. "We’re playing like it’s August and we’re [10] games under," he said. "We’re playing like we’re already out of it. If you can’t get up for a Cubs-Cardinals series, you’ve got some problems. We’re dead. We’re flat." ... It Could Be Worse: The Cubs could be the Mobile Register. In the last few weeks, the Register saw its very former sports editor convicted of indecent exposure, and a longtime sportswriter fired because of his role in an alleged payoff to former Tennessee quarterback Tee Martin ... It Could Be Worse (Part II): Former Minnesota coach Clem Haskins has to return $815,000 of his $1.5 million contract settlement because of his role in the 1999 academic fraud scandal. What the arbitrator should have done is make him write a term paper about the whole thing. Jan Gangelhoff could help ...

Winner of the Good Timing Award: Roy Kramer. Kramer leaves the SEC with Alabama and Kentucky serving NCAA time, Arkansas being looked at for extra benefits violations, LSU investigating allegations of academic fraud and Tennessee dealing with the Tee Martin mess ... TV Guide is doing its top 50 shows of all time. I’d settle for your nominees for top 10 games of all time ... The Houston Texans are the NFL's spring meeting hosts. Everything is new, including the Texans’ soon-to-be finished stadium. The differences aren’t lost on Jeff Fisher, who was the Houston Oilers coach before the team became the Tennessee Titans. Fisher’s office at the Oilers’ practice facility was at a racquetball court ... Even if he had reached the 500 home run mark, Jose Canseco still wouldn’t be on my make-believe Hall of Fame ballot. Good-to-very good player, but not Hall of Fame caliber. However, I’d love to see a SportsCentury documentary on him ... Too bad Duke’s Jason Williams changed his name to Jay Williams. Gone now is the possibility of a Memphis play-by-play announcer saying, "Jason Williams passes to Jason Williams" ...

You decide: an MLS game between D.C. United and Kansas City, or the NBA draft lottery show? The Chicago Bulls’ Jerry Krause, who seemingly has season tickets for the annual lottery, and the Golden State Warriors have the best odds for the No. 1 pick. There are 1,000 chances, with the Bulls and Warriors with 225 each. Michael Jordan’s Washington Wizards have seven chances out of 1,000. You don’t think ... A moment of silence for Curtis Williams, the former University of Washington player who died May 6, 18 months after being paralyzed during a game against Stanford. In an eerie coincidence, former Ole Miss player Chucky Mullins, who was paralyzed in a game against Vanderbilt, died May 6, 1991. Among those attending Williams’ funeral in Fresno Monday were 21 U-Dub players, six Huskies coaches, a handful of former UW players, Fresno State coach Pat Hill and Stanford athletic director Ted Leland ... Is there any chance we could place Bud Selig and Don Fehr in a humidor? Forever? ... The best basketball book since Season on the Brink and Playing for Keeps is Alexander Wolff’s Big Game, Small World: A Basketball Adventure. Elegant writing, extraordinary material ... Indiana coach Mike Davis is putting the finishing touches on his new contract with the school. At issue: whether to call him Mr. Davis, or What’s Up, Davis?

Gene Wojciechowski is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at gene.wojciechowski@espnmag.com.